Worthy
by Intricacy
Summary: I hate you.  I hate you with all my being, that you have put me to shame. You were my best friend’s. You were my worst enemy’s. But you were never mine. And I hate you for that. LJ  Two Parter. Works also as Oneshot
1. Hate

**Worthy**

_I hate you. I hate you with all my being, that you have put me to shame. You were my best friend's. You were my worst enemy's. But you were never mine. And I hate you for that. LJ_

Disclaimer: I don't own HP.

Yeah, I should be updating some of my other stories, but I wanted to write this out before I forgot it again. Short one-shot.

I'm thinking about making this a two-parter, the other one in Lily's point of view of what happens after this. What do you guys think? (Note that with the amount of stories I have up, I'll probably need a good amount of "yes" reviews in order to write a second part.)

Enjoy! Review, please!

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You're standing there, your arms crossed as you stare me down with your brilliant green eyes as you catch me late to another Heads meeting. Your delicate eyebrows are furrowed in anger and your soft pink lips move – you are speaking to me. No, you are not speaking. You are yelling, shouting at me. Why am I so irresponsible? Why am I such a jerk? And I stand here, watching you, not saying a word.

_Why are you late?_ I am late because I was copying notes for Remus while he is out tonight on the full moon. Peter is on his first date, and I cannot tear him away from that; Sirius is out accompanying Remus right now, waiting for me to join him once the Heads meeting is over. But I cannot tell you that, so I remain silent, letting you think I am late due to my own selfishness.

_Why are you so irresponsible?_ I wanted to tell you I may have been late to the meeting tonight and I may leave early, but you wouldn't hear me the first time I tried to tell you. But afterwards, Sirius shared with me the threat his family had made to him and the people close to him, and I spent the rest of the day trying to figure a way out of it with the frivolous topic of me being late for a Head's meeting slip my mind. But the story is not mine to tell, so I remain silent, letting you think that I am irresponsible.

_Why do you always ignore my Head duties?_ I don't ignore my Head duties. I try to follow up on them, and I do, sometimes. But things have been spinning out of my control lately; terrible things are winding. Did you know that my father died two weeks ago? He fought bravely but was overpowered by numerous Death Eaters. And my mother is ill, adding onto the strain of fear – fear that I will disappear along with Dad. There's only me left to console her as she is hiding from Lord Voldemort. Did you know that? No, you don't. The story is far too personal for me to share, so I remain silent, letting you think that I purposely ignore my Head duties.

_Why can't you set a better example to younger students?_ I am setting a good example, you see. I'm not as I once was, but you don't see that. All you see are the few pranks that my friends and I still pull, though less often then before. And why do we do that? You chide us, glare at us, yell at us. Tell us that we're a terrible example to other students. We're not. The war is picking up, stretching fear far and wide and turning into a heavy smog hanging upon us. We breathe fear. We bathe in fear. We live in fear. Such fear is not healthy, especially for youth. They deserve a laugh now and then. But you wouldn't agree with my opinion, so I remain silent, letting you think that I am immature.

_Why are you such a jerk?_ There I agree, that I am a jerk. I am a jerk because I hate you. I hate you with every moral fiber I can summon. I hate you because I do, though that does not quite make sense. I hate you because I want you. I hate you because you will never be mine. I hate with all my being, that you put me to shame. You were my best friend's. You were my worst enemy's, but never, never were you mine. You dated Sirius once in fourth year, even though it didn't work out. You are best friends with Snivellus, the git who looks at you so longingly it sickens me so. You are close friends with Remus, though you refuse my offer of friendship. You befriended Peter, tutoring him, though I do that sometimes, too. And through all that, you left me out. You left me behind. And I hate you for that.

And it hurts; it hurts a lot. It hurts that I hate you so much, that _you_ hate me so much. I wish you didn't hate me, for if you didn't, I wouldn't hate you. And if I didn't hate you, you would see how much I love you. And everyday, no matter how hard I try to hide it and mask it with hate, you see right through me anyways. Everyone does. See, Lily, you are the one thing that I cannot lie about. I never had a problem lying before. And then _you_ came along, and I hate you for that.

But you'll never stop hating me, so I'll never stop hating you. I'll never stop hating myself for hating you. Hate is a strong word, and you deserve it. Congratulations. And with the way you're staring at me, hard and cold, makes me feel pain. A fresh wound cutting into flesh and dipped into vinegar. It sears its way into my heart and twists my stomach so I want to puke. I need to look away from your clear emerald eyes, but I can't. I'm locked. I'm possessed. Every essence of me belongs to you now.

But you don't know that, and you don't care. You hate me. I am a jerk. But those words, those thoughts, can never leave me. I cannot allow any trace of these ideas to exit my mind, so I remain silent, letting you think I am a jerk, simply because I am.

You are still yelling at me, but with the past swarming thoughts, I can no longer concentrate. I open my mouth. I'm sorry. Did I say that aloud? I did. You're staring at me with surprised, shocked eyes, your mouth hanging slightly agape. Wordlessly, I exit the room, fingering the badge that read "Head Boy." There was no Head meeting tonight. And for me, there never will be one again.

I make my way soundlessly down to the Whomping Willow, where Remus and Sirius are waiting for me. Tomorrow, I will turn in my badge to Professor Dumbledore. I don't deserve this position. I don't deserve to be partners with you. I'm not worthy of you. I can't handle it.

Maybe my life will become normal again, once I leave you. I hope so.

Because then I won't have to hate you anymore.


	2. Blame

Note to my dear, loyal readers: My penname will be changed from _Aquiriis_ into _Intricacy_ sometime in the near future!

Insert the second installment of Worthy. Follow-up of the first episode in Lily's point of view.

**Please read only if you didn't like the ending to the last chapter.** A lot of the time, the story is ruined with another ending… This ending is a happy one, but personally, I like the note that the previous ending left. It was open for imagination of the reader… this one is a little more conclusive. [and the whole chapter is suckier, in my opininion.

But anyways, thanks for all of your reviews! They made me happy. I hope you enjoy this chapter as well!

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**Blame.**

You exit the room swiftly, your mouth closed in a tight line, leaving me here alone staring blankly ahead. My mind is confused in a swarm of thoughts that mounts to such perplexity that it is becomes an empty, hollow silence. I cannot seem to think straight. I had stared into your eyes as you spoke and I saw a flicker of emotion pass through. Sorrow? Guilt? Pain? Your two little words had plunged shame into my heart. You didn't bother to contradict me in my arguments, to fight back – something I have always expected from you. You have a competitive nature, do you know that? But now, with your quiet acceptance, I'm not so sure anymore.

You are still everything I resent. Everything that annoys me, everything that bothers me. You slack off of your Head duties to plan for your childish tricks. How immature! Why can you not seem to grow up? You never arrive to Head meetings on time and you sometimes even leave early, despite the numerous times I've reprimanded you. Your irresponsibility often – no, always – drives me to the brink of insanity. You never remember your deadlines and meeting times. I doubt you even remember the event at all!

I flip open my agenda to today's date and cross off the "Head's Meeting, 8:00" that I had neatly inscribed a week ago. We will have to reschedule tonight's meeting, as nothing had happened today. Nothing but an argument and –

I falter in my thoughts. What _had _happened tonight? You, James Potter, have lost your competitive edge tonight. You have lost your _will_ to be arrogant tonight. Is this how you normally are, or is tonight simply an exception? Or have you finally matured? For never have I ever seen someone so... _dejected_, so hopeless. You seemed to be void of strength, of spirit. Everything I recognize you as, everything I know you as – you broke away from it tonight.

And it is horrifying. As though my logic, my base for all my choices, everything I live in… failed me. As though my logic is… well, _wrong_. Something that I never thought could have happened before. Logic is the base of my intuition all my life. And to even _consider_ that my foundation of perception is lopsided… I shiver. What else am I wrong about? Are you only the beginning of a series of mistakes?

I cradle myself into a ball on the Gryffindor common room couch. My knees feel weak; my head feels dizzy. I suddenly feel exposed to the world like I never have before. I feel shame flushing into my cheeks as I think of the possibility of how many people I have wronged. How many people I have been partial to. How many things I have done that should have been done differently. It terrifies me. I, Lily Evans… known as strong, bold, and defiant, stripped away of her sureness and leaving her alone, naked, and helplessly confused.

That is how I feel now. Confused. Perplexed beyond explanation, and it's all your bloody fault. Your wounded eyes, your two little words, your quick escape – they collapsed my understanding of the world. In a few moments, everything I know has evaporated to dust, burned to vapor. Is it the other way around? Oh, Merlin, I can't remember, and it's all your bloody fault!

I catch the thought in my mind as I think it. I'm falling into my prejudice again. I put my hand to my forehead; my head is hurting, pounding. And suddenly, images of you… memories of you… are revived in my mind, playing soundlessly, one following another, as it would be in a pensive, with crisp details I have never noticed before in my life.

_That one Hogsmeade weekend when I agreed to go with Sirius_. You are there in the background, frowning only slightly, before leaving with Remus and Peter.

_A Tuesday afternoon when I tutored Peter in Transfiguration._ You come into the library, your arms full of textbooks as you call out Peter's name loudly, giving the librarian an apologetic look as she glares at you. Your eyes fall on the table where I sit with Peter, helping him transfigure a turtle into a pillow. You freeze still for a moment before glancing at the textbooks in your arms. Slowly, you leave, dropping the books on an empty table as you go.

_A sunny day during lunchtime in the Great Hall as I laugh with Remus_. We speak casually and laughingly about topics that any friends would discuss. You enter from the great double doors and pause for a moment; I am sitting in your regular seat. You walk over, confused as to where to sit, before my attention diverts to you. A gift of a glare is given to you before I return in a pleasant conversation with Remus.

_A day by the pond and Severus hanging upside down after the OWLs_. Your voice drops down low as you hesitantly ask me for a date, attempting to portray a carefree easiness, though your eyes speak for themselves. You are timid, worried, afraid. For my response? I stand, shocked, before recovering and delivering a harsh negative.

I gasp as I jerk back into reality. The scene of the leftover embers glowing steadily in the fireplace; the red and gold tapestries hanging from the ceiling; the familiar order of sofas lined in the room. I look around bewilderedly, my breath coming in short gasps. The Gryffindor common room. Slowly, I sink back into the sofa, hugging my knees.

Numb, pounding shame strikes me as the memories flood in my thoughts. I've given everyone a chance… Slytherins and Gryffindors alike. Even the Marauders. I gave everyone a chance… but you. I never gave a chance for you. And I've overlooked your good attributes, viewing only the part of you that still clings onto the last strands of childhood…

For after all, once we leave Hogwarts, we enter a world where childhood disappears completely. Into a world of war.

I bite my lower lip as my cheeks flame. And you apologized tonight. To me. For not meeting up to my demands. Guilt twists horribly in me, gnawing at my soul, screaming in my mind, devouring my sanity. My stomach weaves somewhat horribly in mortification. Oh, Merlin, it's not your fault… it's _mine_…

Through the night, I cradle myself, tears threatening to leak from my eyes. I feel a monster. A terrible one, one planted on this Earth only to torture your life. How fascinating it is, that I have hated you only an hour ago but admire you so much now. For putting up with me; for trying. I've lived in a one-sided world. I demanded answers from you before, but I never honestly _cared_ to ask you for your explanation. Even as I command for answers in arguments, I never listen. I never listened. I just assumed.

And still, you care for my opinion, even though you well know that I'll shoot you down in the end. You fret over my judgment, of what I'll say. And each time I speak to you, each time I look at you, I wound you further.

And I put _you_ through the blame.

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The next day, I awake. It is Saturday – no classes. The sun hangs somewhere mid sky, declaring that I have slept past breakfast and lunch is dawning. I look around at my surroundings. Have I fallen asleep on the Gryffindor common room sofa? Yes, I have.

Yesterday's new thoughts and ideas come pounding upon me in a whirlwind, forcing me to double over in pain. My cheeks seem to have a permanent red today and the first thing I think, I must apologize to you. I can't continue living on like this without having your forgiveness over my prejudice.

I clamber out of the sofa and race up the stairs to my dorm to change and get ready. In a whir, I'm running down the stairs again, calling out your name. Your given name, alone. But would you accept it now? Do you hate me for calling you simply by 'James?' Do you wish for me to stop?

Confused, I hesitate. I turn around and immediately bump into someone. Startled, I look up, my green eyes locking into your hazel ones. And now that I finally meet you, my breath is caught in my throat and I feel as though I cannot breathe, let alone speak.

You pull away your beautiful hazel eyes and move aside to walk past me, muttering an apology. _I'm sorry. Excuse me._ The second time. The second bloody time that you have apologized for a sin that is not yours. Not yours, but mine. I grab for your wrist and, with the contact, you stop suddenly, startled. Shocked. Surprised.

After all, I suppose, with what I've done to you, you must be thinking, "What does she want more with me?"

And I do not blame you for that.

My throat clenches and I hear someone speaking. Someone apologizing. Oh, damn it, Potter! Do not apologize to me anymore! It's not your fault, it's – no. Your lips are not moving. They are still, hanging slightly open in shock. Your eyes are staring at me, not expecting this the least.

That person's speaking again. Her voice is oddly familiar. She's apologizing again. Her voice sounds hoarse, as though she is crying. My face is wet and you turn into a blur. No, don't go! But wait… you aren't moving. You're standing still. You're just… blurry.

I find my lips moving and my hands raising to brush away the tears that fall down my face that hazed my vision. Is it _me_ speaking? Yes – that voice is mine. I'm apologizing now, asking for forgiveness, wishing for another chance. To at least try to have _one_ good Heads meeting before it's all over.

You smile stiffly, sadly at me and shake your head slowly. You're refusing my plead of forgiveness. My eyes widen and my heart clenches. No, now I can never live with this. I have ruined you! But no… your lips are moving, forming words that string together.

_I turned my badge into Dumbledore this morning_. You turned it in? But why? You were so proud of it in September, though – though I thought someone else deserved the honor… But now I think differently. You have every right to be Head Boy. Why did you sacrifice it? Give it away? I wish to tell you to take back the badge, but my throat clenches, so I remain silent, letting you think that I am happy about you leaving.

_You'll be partnered with somebody else._ No, I don't _want_ to be partnered with anybody else! I want to try again. I want to give you a chance. No; I want _you_ to give me a chance to fix my mistakes. I don't think I'll be able to survive without knowing that you've forgiven me. But I cannot find a way to put these thoughts into words, so I remain silent, letting you think that I'm pleased to have a new partner.

_Likely Amos Diggory. You should be happy, now._ No, I'm not happy the least! I never liked Amos Diggory. I only dated him once to spite you! He is everything you're not, polar opposites. And though I have complained countless times over your attributes, I don't think I'll be able to work without them. But my mind is completely confused by these thoughts that I cannot organize it in time to speak, so I remain silent, letting you think that I am fond of Amos Diggory.

_Worst possible result now, with me gone, will be Sirius. Though I suppose that's an improvement, isn't it? Since you've dated him before._ No, it's not an improvement! I never liked Sirius, either. I don't know why I agreed. The Hogsmeade trip was a disappointment for me because you weren't – I take back what I was about to think. What _was_ I thinking?

_After all, with luck… we won't be meeting each other again._ My heart quickens and stops at the same time. Blood rushes through my veins as time seems to freeze for me, but not for him. He gives me a sad, hopeful look before turning around, heading to the Great Hall for lunch. He walks slowly away from me, as though weighed down by an invisible force. And suddenly, I realize, that most of my doings, my decisions, my choices, have been done because of you, even though I wasn't aware. Even though it was all subconscious. And now, you walk away from me, and likely forever.

No… James, I'm so sorry…

I wish I could tell you. I wish my mouth would be of use. I wish to tell you that I _don't_ like Amos, that I don't _want _to be partnered with anyone else. That I want you to be Head Boy, alongside with me. And most of all, that I hope that we _will_ meet each other in the future, in or out of Hogwarts. That I want you to forgive me, that I've been a prat. That I want to try again. That I would… I would want to be your date, if you'd ever accept me again.

Though I'll never speak a word. I'll never say any of that.

Except that you have stopped in your steps, frozen. Have I spoken out loud again? I freeze to the spot as you slowly turn around. You step toward me and I wish to run, run far. But my feet have turned into lead as my head frantically screams. I pale, but my legs refuse to obey. They are dead. They've died.

You walk closer, a faint smile on your face. Your fingers intertwined with mine. You lean down. Your nose almost touching mine. Your sweet breath on my face. My breath gone. I can scarcely breathe. You tilt your head to the side, your eyes twinkling with a beautiful light I have never noticed before.

"Finally…"

Surprise before delight. A close embrace. Sweet whisperings in my ear. Tears wetting your shoulder. A relieved laugh.

Sealed with a light kiss.

And the weight on my shoulders is lifted into the clouds. There's no more blame.

And finally, finally I am worthy of you.


End file.
